Anger is Sad’s Bodyguard

I love the renovation shows on HGTV.  I love seeing the process and the big reveal.  I like demolition day when they get out the sledge hammers, destroy walls, and rip down everything to expose the studs and foundation.  I like to see the homeowners’ reactions when they realize that there are more problems under the walls than they originally anticipated and that it is going to take longer to complete and more money.  That is when things get interesting.. 

The past years have brought sickness, death, life-changing decisions, and raising my girls through grief, mental health issues, high school, COVID, and a decision to ask for a divorce. Decisions made out of pain and loss can leave an entire life in ruins.   I did not realize that I was spiraling down.  I did the next thing in a fog.  I felt like I was climbing a gravel mountain, trying to gain my footing, but sliding down more than I climbed.   

Pain has a way of splitting us wide open and revealing ourselves in the best and worst ways.  Pain also reveals our true character, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Grief is harsh, and it does not follow a prescription.  One day you are fine, and the next day, anger is bubbling over from your soul.

Anger has a way of consuming you, and when not expressed and dealt with appropriately, it can take hold of your heart.  Also, the good girl in me tells myself, “You shouldn’t be angry.  This is wrong.  Get it together.”  Heaven forbid I feel any emotion.  That is a lie that many people believe, and I refuse to act on it anymore.

Just like the exposed wood and wires in a wall, our emotions can look very ugly. The surges of anger are real.  How I deal with anger is the most important.  I went to counseling.   I also have a handful of friends in whom I confide in that I call “Friends In a Pocket”.  They do not judge.  They listen.  They let me vent and help me find the good in the anger most of the time through laughter.  I also stay away from people if I can.  It is not their fault, and when I am out in public, I do not say much.  It is better that way.

I have found an outlet for my anger.  For me, it is lifting heavy weight.  I mean REALLY heavy weight.  I take my anger out on a barbell.  I push through the heaviness to rise up and that illustrates the reality of the messy process of grieving.  Once the anger is felt and processed, it reveals what is really there….a deep and profound sadness.  

Anger is sad’s bodyguard.

There is something that happens when your raw emotions are exposed.  A raw vulnerability is revealed, something deep inside you changes, and you will never be the same.  Death, sickness, divorce, or friendships that brought about great love when gone will leave a huge hole that will forever change you.  This change reveals true friendship, true character, and flaws that need to be worked on within yourself.

Anger gives you energy.  Sadness depletes you.  Anger helps you get things done.  Sadness makes you want to stay in bed.   Anger pushes you through.  Sadness helps you retreat.  Both emotions are needed and necessary to grieve what once was and what may never be again.  Anger and sadness are part of the process. 

Life is filled with doubts, fears, angst, and despair.  Life is also filled with joy, hope, perseverance, and celebration.  Anger helps me persevere.  Anger helps me process my sadness.  Anger helps me grieve.  

I am not ready for the great reveal.  My walls and studs are still exposed right now.  This remodeling project of mine is a bigger project than I realized.  I will be taking the time to fix and mend the broken parts during this renovation so that my foundation is stronger than before.  My anger is the sledgehammer that reveals the deeper emotions of love that have been lost, changed, and renewed.  I am seeing a new side of me that seeks to understand, asks questions, and does not rush to answer.  I am sensing a calmness that opens my arms to the messy parts and pulls them close. I am feeling a love for myself that has never existed before.  A love that sees the good in me and forgives the years of self-hate and loathing.  I am coming home to the woman I always wanted to be, and the pain and anger were just paths to get here.