The BEST Parenting Hack To NOT Raising Entitled Teens
Raising an entitled teen can be the nightmare that leads to out-of-control spending, an entitled attitude, and disrespect for authority. But what if you could prevent it from happening in the first place? Read on for my tips for raising a grateful, humble, and well-mannered teen!”
I co-founded a middle school from scratch with another principal. Middle school is very different from high school and elementary school. Behind closed doors, I saw moments of entitlement, but I also saw glimmers of hope. There are many ways to prevent entitlement, but a great way I discovered was to be very clear with your expectations.
What are Work Ethic and Respect?
Over the course of six years, I researched the types of discipline referrals I was sent throughout the year. At the end of the year, I would look at all of them and reflect on how we problem-solved the issues and how we could help students grow before they were in my office.
The results were fascinating. Every referral could be divided into two categories: Work Ethic and Respect. I will define each term as:
Work Ethic: Strong work ethic allows you to focus on assignments, act appropriately, be persistent when faced with a challenge, and show responsibility and dependability at work.
- Completing homework
- Handing in homework
- Working in class
- Keeping track of assignments, due dates, etc.
Respect involves accepting someone for who they are, even if you are different and see the world differently. Respect creates trust, safety, and well-being in relationships and friendships.
- Self-respect
- Respect for fellow students
- Respect for the property of the school and others
- Respect for teachers
- Respect for rules
What does this look like? What does this sound like? What does this look like in action? We are continuously teaching this at different maturity levels, thinking processes, and contexts.
The Data From Discipline
The data was interesting for students in 6-8 grade
| Year | % of referrals based on Respect | % of referrals based on Work Ethic |
| One | 48% | 52% |
| Two | 56% | 46% |
| Three | 61% | 39% |
| Four | 58% | 42% |
| Five | 54% | 46% |
| Six | 47% | 53% |
With this data, my parenting changed. My non-negotiables were respect and work ethic.
How Did I Set The Expectation of Work Ethic and Respect?
I sat my daughters down and told them that I had two expectations. They are respectful, and they work hard.
“Well, my kid will just learn this.”
No. They will not know this unless we focus on it as educators and parents.
I often show this to kids when I speak to them in groups.
What are the top reasons people get fired?
Reasons for Termination of Employment
- 57%—attitude issues. (RESPECT)
- 41%—personality issues. (RESPECT)
- 40%—not completing their assigned duties. (WORK ETHIC)
- 34%—poor attendance. (WORK ETHIC)
- 31%—violating company policy. (RESPECT)
- 23%—asked for a raise. (WORK ETHIC)
- 20%—stealing.(RESPECT)
- 18%—being late for work. (WORK ETHIC)
What Are Some Examples?
On a whiteboard in our kitchen, we wrote ‘Respect” and “Work Ethic” and then listed behaviors and attitudes that went under each.
From there, I drew the line in the sand when it was a respect or work ethic issue.
Here are some hypothetical examples and how I would handle them.
A daughter studies hard for a test. She went to the teacher and spent hours preparing. She gets a C-. Is this a work ethic issue? No. She worked hard and the grade is the grade.
Questions I would ask:
- What was hard on this test for you?
- Can you go over it with your teacher to make sure you understand it now?
- Should we look at another way to study for this class?
My goal is for her to learn, not get straight A’s.
A daughter blows off a chemistry test because they “went over it in class”. She gets a D-. Is this a work ethic issue? Yes, it is. To me, she did not follow through on her job.
Questions I would ask:
- Tell me about what happened here.
- What else?
- (NOTICE THAT I DO NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE TEST)
- Why do you think this is a work ethic issue?
- What are some of the problems here, and how can we solve them?
- Depending on their response, I would continue with:
- How can we make sure you have learned this information?
- Is your studying effective? Do we need to look at a different strategy in order to
- Let’s come up with a plan to do this better next time.
I try to focus on the why instead of the what. Natural consequences are the best. Failing forward is necessary. Our job is to coach them through it so they can grow.
My daughter rolls her eyes as I ask her to do something and huffs and puffs.
Me: Woah woah woah… what happened there?
Daughter: (sigh) it was disrespectful.
Me: Let’s try it again.
If she continues to do it or refuses to do it, then there are consequences that have already been discussed.
HOUR OF POWER
Need help around the house? I suggest the entire family work together as a team for an “HOUR OF POWER”. Everyone is assigned jobs, the music is turned up, and we work for an hour. The goal is to complete the jobs (and complete them well) within that hour. When it’s finished, we get to have a celebration that benefits everyone (this can range from baking brownies to playing a board game). A great family motto:
We work hard to play hard.
ACTIVITY ON INTRODUCING RESPECT AND WORK ETHIC TO YOUR MIDDLE SCHOOLER
- Copy and Paste the list of “Reasons For Termination of Employment” on a piece of paper. You can also have your child read the article and set the purpose before reading as, “Why do you think this article is so important?”
- Ask your child to label each reason as responsibility or respect.
- Say: Let’s think of your “job” as a student. Do any of these reasons match things at school? What are you responsible for? How do you need to be respectful?
“Uhhhh…So, Mom, what‘s the point?”, they may ask.
“It is my job to make sure you have the skills to get and keep a job so you can be an independent person. Working on these skills is where we need to focus.”
When you take the time to nurture these qualities in your child, they’ll be better equipped to handle whatever life throws their way with grace and perseverance. Work ethic and respect aren’t just two important character traits – they’re lifelong skills that will serve your child well no matter what path they choose in life. So keep teaching, keep leading by example, and watch your children blossom into successful young adults.
