Sexting and Teens: What Parents Need To Know

Sexting has become a common occurrence among teenagers. As a parent, it is important that you are aware of what sexting is and what the consequences can be. Sexting can lead to problems such as cyberbullying, social isolation, and even suicide. In this blog post, we will discuss sexting in detail and provide some tips for parents on how to talk to their children about sexting.

What is sexting?

Sexting is the act of sending sexually explicit text messages, pictures, or videos using a cell phone, computer, or another digital device. Sending naked pictures and videos or showing real or fake sexual activity is one way to sext. This also includes text messages that include pictures of body parts, suggest, or take part in dirty talk, nude photos, voice messages, and videos with sexual behavior.

Why are teens sexting?

Young people today suffer from isolation, loneliness, and raging hormones. Since their prefrontal cortex is still developing, they tend to be impulsive. Teens think that it is fun and exciting. They may explore sexting to show someone that they are interested in them. They are warned of the dangers, but that makes it more intriguing. Teenagers thought that adults’ ominous sexting warnings are archaic and patronizing. Teens also want to be accepted and feel like they belong. Any attention is better than no attention. They fear consequences if they do not participate. Sometimes, they are being blackmailed.

My teen knows better than to sext… they would never...

Yes, they would, and they do. According to the website, Guard Child, the statistics say differently. Let’s take a look at how they engage:

• 71% of teen girls and 67% of teen boys who have sent or posted sexually suggestive content say they have sent/ posted this content to a boyfriend/ girlfriend.
• 75% of teens say sending sexually suggestive content “can have serious negative consequences.”
• 44% of both teen girls and teen boys say it is common for sexually suggestive text messages to get shared with people other than the intended recipient.
• 51% of teen girls say pressure from a guy is a reason girls send sexy messages or images; only 18% of boys cited pressure from female counterparts as a reason.

There is a gap between common adult assumptions and teen realities.

Carrie James and Emily Weinstein, Harvard researchers and co-authors of “Behind Their Screens: What Teens Are Facing (and Adults Are Missing).” have spent over a decade studying teens’ digital lives at  Harvard’s Project Zero. James and Weinstein explain,

“When we ignore the reasons teens sext, we understand the calculus of their decision-making as they grapple with whether to request or “snap and send” a racy picture. And when we dole out only panicked admonitions (never, ever, ever, sext, period), we slip into a digital age version of abstinence-only education, leaving teens without sufficient information to support complex, real-world decision-making. Notably, various studies show that abstinence messages are largely ineffective at stemming sexual activity and risk-taking.”

When asked for a nude, young adults have at least four ways to explain who asked: romantic partner, people who are just friends, people they don’t know well, or strangers.

Let’s Talk About Sext

As a middle school principal, sexting was something I had to deal with at a variety of levels. The biggest mistake parents make is avoiding difficult and uncomfortable conversations. It is also an ongoing conversation. If you were born in the 1900s, you will need to seek to understand the terrain of teenagers and approach sexting in a different way than you may have previously.

First, we have to understand that decision-making in the moment consists of pressure, hormones that are not understood but felt, and the tension to take risks. Just as every teen knows the risk of having sex, but still does it, we may have to approach sexting in the same way. How can you be safe?

This may be where parents clutch their metaphoric pearls, but “Just do not do it!” will not work anymore.

Students in my office “didn’t have cell phones,” but somehow they had old ones that worked on wi-fi. Their parents were shocked that it happened, but I wasn’t. Peer pressure often wins.

Sexting Conversation Tip #1

If we want to prevent teen sexting, we need to approach it without judgment and with more curiosity. When talking to teens, I often come at it with an “as a matter of fact” attitude.

I suggest practicing this approach with a variety of subjects before dropping a sexting comment.

“Sexting can be a gray area within different levels of a relationship. Is this something you and your friends see it?”

“Sexting can be a no-win trapped situation. When someone asks for explicit messages and a girl wants that person to like them, she can lose if she doesn’t, and she can lose by being exposed if she does. How are girls handling that?”

“What do you think the main reason behind sexting is for different people? Friendship? Acceptance? To feel good about their body? A pre-cursor to sex?”

Sexting Conversation Tip #2

Think beyond the alarmist, “Don’t do it!” and have thoughtful, honest conversations. These types of conversations can also lead to better conversations and trust between you and your daughter. Is your relationship trusting enough that if she was participating in sexting behavior, and photos were leaked, could she tell you? When parents have the “My child would never…” attitude, their child will not risk the disappointment of the parent, and will shamefully try to deal with it on their own.

Sexting Conversation Tip #3

Give your daughter several ways to get out of it. James and Weinstein discuss the way girls are protecting themselves. Some will google a similar body part and screenshot the photo and search in case it is leaked. They will also send out photos with watermarks bearing the sexting partner’s name. Brainstorm new ideas together. Why? Even if your daughter doesn’t, a friend could learn from the conversation, too.

Sexting Conversation Tip #4

Consent matters. Parents should also discuss the fundamental importance of consent. It should be a 100% yes, not 6 no’s, and a quiet, “Ok, I guess.” There is a big difference, and we need to have this conversation no matter what the age group of our child.

Parents find it hard to talk to their kids about sexting, but it’s important that they do. Sexting can be risky and lead to uncomfortable situations, so it’s important for both parents and kids to know what they are. Parents should also keep in mind that sexting isn’t just taking and sending nude photos. It can also mean sending sexually explicit messages. As with any talk about sexuality, it’s important for parents to be open-minded, calm, non-judgemental, and listen more than they speak. By talking to their kids about sexting in an open and honest way, parents can help make sure that their kids are safe when texting and using technology.