7 Tips For Talking To Your Teenager
If you’re like most parents, talking to your teen can be a challenge. You want to maintain a positive relationship with them, but it seems like they’re always pushing you away. It’s hard not to take their attitude personally and start lecturing them or nagging them about their behavior. But that’s the last thing you want to do! In this blog post, we will discuss seven tips for talking to your teen in a way that will build a positive relationship with them.
Conversations Without Judging
How you talk to your child reveals a lot about how you feel about them in that moment. Teenagers think a great deal about themselves. They often don’t care about what the topic is that parents discuss. Instead, they tune into the parts of the conversation that are about them. They are thinking, “What does this conversation say about me?” Parents may like these talks, but their teenagers are more worried about how you are judging them. They take things personally.
A teen can tell in one sentence if it is going to be a positive or negative conversation. If they think it is bad, they will put up their guard and not be able to listen. Let’s take a look at this conversation:
“Hey Mom, you should have seen what happened in the cafeteria today. Mike got into an argument with Doug and it ended in a fistfight!”
“I hope you didn’t have anything to do with that!”
“No, I was rooting for Mike because Doug deserved to be punched in the face!”
“What? I hope you weren’t involved. You will end up in trouble just like Mike. I told you about being friends with that kid. You need to have more common sense when it….”
Let’s look at how Mom reacted, judged, and lectured before getting more information.
- She thought that her child might have had something to do with it.
- Puts down his friend.
- Tells him he does not have common sense.
How does this conversation promote a relationship for the parent to stay connected? What would happen if mom stayed calm, used her listening ear, and was more curious first?
“Hey Mom, you should have seen what happened in the cafeteria today. Mike got into an argument with Doug and it ended in a fistfight!”
“Oh wow. How did it start?”
“Doug was picking on a kid for no reason, and Mike stood up to him for the kid. Doug pushed him and Mike pushed back.”
“What do you think about that?’
“I think it is kind of cool, but I am not sure if it was the right thing to do,”
Don’t rush in. Take a good opportunity to get a clear view of the situation without emotions. Hear what your teen is saying. Give them space to develop their own opinions and problem-solving skills. You do not have to give advice in every conversation.
Use “it” and not “you” when your teen wants to talk
Look at the example above. In the first response, the mom said, “I hope you didn’t have anything to do with that!”. She tried to make a point by making it personal and about him. In the second example, she asks, “Oh wow. How did it start?”. When we use “it” instead of “you”, it is not as personal. Teenagers do not see it as an attack where they need to be defensive. They can have their own thoughts and independence. Most of the time, they just need to talk out loud but parents want to see every one-on-one conversation as a “lesson to learn” or a chance to “lecture”. Teens may shut down and stop giving you a peek into their lives. The term “it” makes it more general than “you”. These two words matter.
Help your child be reflective, stay calm, and be sympathetic instead
Many parents want to drive and control the conversations instead of allowing the teenager to think, talk, and explain a situation. Parents often rush in with their own thoughts and emotions before giving the teen a chance to drive the conversation.
“Mr. Smith’s class is so boring. I hate it. “
“Oh yeah? It seems to have you frustrated. “
“Yeah, definitely.”
“What is the most boring part?”
“Uhhh… the subject. His voice. It is irritating.”
“That makes it hard to pay attention, I bet.”
“Yes, and all we do is take notes.”
“The semester is almost over.”
“I can’t wait. Then I never have to have that class again. “
“Exactly.”
By being sympathetic, not judging her feelings and statements, and asking questions, the mom gained some interesting information that can be added to a conversation later. The mom could ask, “The semester is halfway over! How is Mr. Smith’s class going?” Feelings are not right or wrong. They just are. As your teen finds their own identity and builds their own lives, parents need to allow them to drive the conversation. The more you know, the more you grow.
Don’t rush in too soon to offer ideas or solutions
“Why don’t you…”
“You should…”
“Don’t be so…”
If you are always late to work, I could tell you to leave earlier. If I told you that, you would get frustrated. Yet, I am just trying to give you some easy advice. Parents often want to fix things fast, and dictating is so much easier than allowing your teenager to make more decisions and solve problems.
Your ultimate goal is to have a healthy relationship with your adult child. Developing those skills within your family through small interactions will pay off in the long run as you build and support your children as they become adults. You do not need to have the answers, you need to guide them to discover theirs. The teen years are a great opportunity to be their guide by their side, asking questions and allowing them space to figure things out.
Support teens by helping them find other ways to deal with problems.
Helping your teen navigate life takes time, effort, and energy. Once a child is upset or processing emotions, adults can help them get to the “What’s next?” Using empathy and without judgment, the parent can give support through some simple statements and questions.
“It’s alright to feel the way you do.”
“What alternatives do you have?”
“Is there another way to solve this problem?”
Using empathy, respect, and support instead of rushing in to solve issues right away takes practice. You have to recognize the teen’s personality, energy, and emotions while helping them deal with them in a productive manner.
Give clear expectations and set boundaries
Parents often define “good behavior” as things that they do not want.
“Don’t talk back.”
“Don’t yell at your sister.”
“Don’t be so emotional.”
But what are the teens to do? What should a parent look for in teenage behavior? What specific behaviors do parents want to see? How are you communicating that to your child? What happens is the “don’ts” outnumber the “dos”. With this type of approach, you are not connecting, you are refereeing.
“I want you to have a good attitude.”
What does that mean? Young people need more specific communication when setting clear expectations. Even compliments need to be more intentional instead of vague.
“You really did an amazing job of engaging in that conversation with that adult.” instead of “You are a good kid.”
One mom complained that her daughter was messy. The mom said, “I want her to stop being messy.” What do you want her to do? The mom replied, “I want her to put the dishes in the sink, put her clothes in the hamper, and clean up after herself when she has made something in the kitchen.” Messy puts a negative and judgemental label on her daughter. Setting clear expectations to help her become less messy facilitates independence and support.
Choose a good one-on-one time to have a conversation.
“Let’s work on cleaning up after ourselves. What are three things you could do to begin doing this on your own?” Ask her to give three possible solutions. These three things will be what you say when you lay out your clear expectations.
“When you are finished making cereal, please put the milk and box of cereal away.”
It’s the combination of what we expect and what others expect of us that shapes our environment. It begins with specific and clear expectations.
Body Language and Tone Matter When You Talk To Teenagers
The way you say things to your teenager matters.
If you want a happy and healthy relationship with your teen, talking is just the beginning. The use of certain tones and words will create a more positive environment for both of you. And, as we all know, body language speaks volumes.
When talking to your teen, be aware of the following:
-The use of sarcasm
-Your tone of voice
-Your facial expressions
-How you are standing or sitting
Sarcasm may seem harmless, but it often communicates negative messages. It can come across as mean or disrespectful. If you want to have a positive relationship with your teen, avoid using sarcasm.
Your tone of voice can also communicate respect or disrespect. When talking to your teen, use a respectful tone. This doesn’t mean you have to be overly formal or stiff. Just be aware of the way you are speaking to them.
Your facial expressions are also important. When talking to your teen, try to keep a neutral or positive expression. Avoid rolling your eyes, frowning, or making other negative facial expressions.
Finally, be aware of your body language. When talking to your teen, stand or sit in a relaxed and open position. Avoid crossing your arms or legs, which can make you seem closed off or unapproachable.
By being aware of these things, you can make sure that your body language and tone are sending the right message to your teen.
The next time your teen asks, “Mom (Dad), can we talk?” Focus on these positive steps and know that you control your response. Being intentional in the way we communicate creates a healthy relationship that will be the foundation for them as they grow into adults. Your teen models your attitude. When you respond with respect, support, and a positive focus through curiosity, you will give them tools that will help them navigate life in healthy and hopeful ways.
